The Novel vs. The Magazine

I came across this last night as I was looking for one of my not-so-forgotten but very lonely writing projects. I had almost forgotten about it. This was one of my favorite writing assignments from my freshman year in college. I'm not quite sure why it's a favorite, but I've always looked fondly upon it. I just wanted to share it with you. So here it is...

The novel and magazine planned a debate to prove who was the better source of reading material.

The Novel said to the Magazine, “To start off this debate I challenge you to prove your strength.” The Magazine shyly replied, “I do not have the strength of your hardcover or even your paperback, I am only made of paper.” “See!” said the Novel, “I am already better than you.” The Novel turned to leave, “Wait!” cried the Magazine, “you may be stronger than me, but who is published more often? I am! I come out weekly, monthly, and biannually. It takes you six months to a year, or maybe even longer just to be published! Depending on the poor soul that is writing you.”

The Novel’s pages began to turn up at the magazine’s comment. “You might be published more frequently than I, however my pages hold more composure, life, adventures, literacy, and intelligence. That is something all magazines lack.” The magazine’s thin, weak pages almost dropped at the Novel’s insult. “How dare you say that magazines lack intelligence! Look at National Geographic or Psychology Today! That is an adventurous and intelligent magazine.”

The debate was just heating up. “The only intelligent one out of thousands! That cannot justify for others such as Playboy, Cosmopolitan, YM, and tabloids; need I say more! Novels are the royalty of reading material and magazines are our serfs!” “That is the most hypocritical statement I have heard all day! You are discarding the hundreds of trashy Harlequin romance novels! You are blasphemous! And tabloids are not magazines!”

The novel sat quiet for a minute before replying, “I believe that we should call a truce on this specific topic.” “I agree.” After they both let their pages calm down the novel said, “I would have to say that your pages hold the current news of the world very well on your lines. But you are no rival for the novels of history from the great scientists, historians, and philosophers.” “I agree,” commented the magazine, “I would also have to say that my greatest desire is to be able to hold stories that go straight to the human heart and make it cry with truth between my covers. That is something that magazines rarely even touch.” “Well, thank you,” the novel graciously replied, “ I just want to let you know that I envy your ability to be published so quickly.”

The novel and magazine were then covered by an overwhelming sense of understanding. The novel was the first to break the silence, “You know, what Magazine?” “What?” “We both are alike in many ways, but we are different enough to please people all across the globe.” “That’s just us, we’re unique each in our own ways,” the magazine stated. The novel asked, “Truce?” “Truce,” the magazine confirmed.

“So, what do you think about radio?” the novel hesitantly asked. “Horrible!” the magazine replied, “ They have horrible grammar and syntax! You can never tell when a sentence ends or begins.” “Did they fail English in school, or something?” the novel jokingly replied as they were picked off the shelf together.