Time for Reflection

I was hopping across a few blogs and discovering new ones as I do from time to time and came across Pinks & Blues Girls. I have to admit I was reading their interview with Angela Kinsey (an actress from The Office) who is currently pregnant. I scrolled down to see what other things they were blogging about. Mostly baby and pregnancy stuff, which is not always my favorite thing to look at. You can read why here.

I can across a post about Beth who was pregnant with twins and recently miscarried. I know her pain and despair and the feeling that nothing with ever be the same or replace the child that she once was carrying, but is no longer. She wishes it was just a bad dream.

I know that. I went for weeks battling within myself...telling myself I, was still pregnant. Trying to convince myself that I was still having pregnancy symptoms--nausea, fatigue, hunger. Saying to myself, 'The doctor was just wrong.' I remember thinking, 'If only I had prayed more.' And questioned if I had done something wrong. I did go for a brisk walk the morning we started to miscarry, did that do it?

I know God purposed this. I know that there is a display of His glory in this beyond what I can see or understand. It just hurts. Five months (almost six) isn't that long of a time. It seems grieving is a slow process, and I don't think I'll ever get over losing my first baby.

So many thoughts go through my head (and a few awkward run-ins):

• Next time we're pregnant, what if someone says, "Oh congratulations! Is this your first pregnancy?" "No, it's my second." "Oh, how old is your first?" "Oh, s/he'd be such-and-such an age if s/he was alive."
• The next baby shower I go to how will I simply sit through all the oohing and aahing over adorable baby gifts--so pretty and petite. (I'm actually going to a shower next month. It'll be my third since my miscarriage. The first one was 2 weeks after I lost my baby, the second one a month and a half. I spent my time sitting quietly by myself or fixing the food trying to hide my own tears.) Oh the joys of baby showers, now!
• Speaking of showers...this is about the time we'd be having a baby shower. (Due date May 6th)
  
• What happens when we are expecting again, will it be a constant reminder of the baby we lost?
  
• Two words. One holiday. Mother's Day. A week after my due date. I don't even know if would be able to make it through church. (I told my husband I don't want to go.)
• Self-inflicted pain. Why? I still haven't unsubscribed to all those baby updates that get delivered into my inbox almost daily.
• Standing around chatting with some ladies, when the conversation turns to who's sleeping through the night, how frequently (or infrequently) their baby is pooping, planning someone else's baby shower, washing multiple loads of laundry, changing diapers, etc. etc. etc. They say this and these are the things I wish for. (Side note to moms: Don't complain about your children, no matter what age they are...you never know who's listening. Appreciate the sleepless nights and the terrible two's, it's much better to have them than dream about how they would have been.)
  
• Will we ever be pregnant again? How long will it be? How many other people will I see get pregnant and have babies? It seems like I always here about one more person who's expecting...

This week would have been 31 weeks.